Heartbreak Sweater

Dave and I were thrilled to be pregnant again without even trying.  We were making plans to rearrange the house to accommodate a new baby with all the dreaming and planning and adapting that goes along with that.  I stopped breastfeeding Marek once we learned the news so that all my energy could go into the new baby.  I even froze the last few ounces I pumped so the new baby had something to eat in the hospital until my milk came in.  Last Saturday we went in for our ultrasound and the baby did not have a heartbeat.  We were gutted.  It sounds stupid to say it, but I was kind of surprised we were both so upset because it was such early days.  We both sobbed over this lost child, but in all the reading I've done to educate myself, this was a blessing.  I never realized miscarriages were so common, especially at my age.  My OB GYN told me at my last appointment that 50% of pregnancies at my age end in miscarriage.  More often than not, it is a chromosomal abnormality to blame and miscarriage is God's and Mother Nature's way of stopping the factory line because all systems are not "Go".  We conceived on December 9th and learned it was gone on February 9th.  Everything came away a few days later and I'm reassured that we can try again once my body normalizes.  I've had one giant headache on and off as my hormones sort themselves out. 

As a preemptive insult to injury, our furnace died on Friday the 8th and Saturday the 9th, we learned we'd lost the baby.  The universe has a way of kicking you when you're down, but we kept reminding ourselves this was a blessing.  It sounds callous to say, but a child with major debilities requires masses of time and resources and Dave and I will not live forever.  Marek was a textbook healthy baby and my anxiety tells me lightening cannot strike twice so I always worry about our second child if we manage to produce one.  I always worry as our age increases, so does our risk of producing a disabled child and Marek will inherit the role of caretaker for his younger sibling which is something he didn't choose or deserve.  I know plenty of people who have had healthy kids at our age, but I can't help but worry.  I was never more anxious in my life than when I was pregnant.

I started knitting this cabled sweater for Marek the Saturday we got our bad news.  I mentally refer to it as the "Miscarriage Sweater" although I probably shouldn't do that.  I just threw myself into this and knit like crazy on it because it kept me from thinking about our news.  It is a Drops pattern called Little Peter and I am finding it engaging and comforting.  I also love this yarn purchased at the Fiber Festival last year.  It is a wool/angora blend that knits up beautifully and is buttery soft.  This year Nancy and I are making plans to attend the festival together and I think this vendor will be my big purchase.  I have found a few Drops patterns for myself that call for a DK yarn.

Here is what I should be focusing on, my dear son Marek.  I say it all the time, but I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.  I love my mother so much more since having a baby because I understand and appreciate so much more what she went through and all that she did for us.

He is wearing the Fiddlehead Sweater I knit for him years ago--before he was even a twinkle in my eye.  Dave was laughing at me while I struggled to take a picture of him.  He was rolling and leaning trying to get his hands on anything near him so in the end, I handed him Curious George and he sat contentedly.

I had this sweater in his dresser and kind of forgot about it.  I was worried it wouldn't fit him by the time I noticed it.

I remember at the time I knitted it, I wasn't horribly pleased with it, but now I just love how it fits and looks on him.  He wore this to church on Sunday and still had some wiggle room in it.  He is my precious boy and just like Mary Poppins, he's "practically perfect in every way."  I am so thankful for this healthy and beautiful child.